it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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