I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
