my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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