So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize