So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
