Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I pour the whiskey from now on
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
