You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
