i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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