Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
