I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
