guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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