New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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