the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
