'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
