Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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