Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
