And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
