I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
