Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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