Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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