This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
