she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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