all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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