exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
