Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
