Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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