The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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