I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
