My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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