this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
this hospital has no fireball
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
