you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
