you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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