she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize