There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
