I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So many bounce houses so little time
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
