My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize