??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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