i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just gargled with NyQuil
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
