dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
