you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
