I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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