do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
