Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
