I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
