During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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