I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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