I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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