well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
