Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
