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Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
me + whiskey = a bad person
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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