Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
A bitchslap is in order.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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