I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
