i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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