Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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