I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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