yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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